Just Because

My Mama Has Mo' Sweatshirts Than Your Mama

Lynne Spears models the latest in Louisiana fashion

Saggily Susan

Two words:

Foundation. Garments.

Bye Bye Eye Candy

"PILF" woulda caught on.

Jon Voight, Political Strategist

Jon Voight, the latest in irrelevant celebrities accompanying a presidential candidate on the campaign trail, had this to say about Rudy's failed strategy:

"There will be time to assess that after today. Maybe it should be assessed."

Coming up: Chuck Norris on a free market economy.

Just Sayin'

Liev Schreiber's self confidence might be a little low right now. Not much fun being in second place after a dead guy.

Celebrity Statistics

Reading that Art Garfunkel has read 1,023 books since 1968 in a recent New Yorker article made me think about other impressive celebrity stats.

This is the only one that came to mind:

Wilt Chamberlain's conquests: 20,000

Old Men, Blonde Hair

If You're from NJ . . .

it's all about bathroom humor. Bound to be a regular feature on JP's Deformities.

Hit on the head and gets rectal exam?
BY JOSE MARTINEZ DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
A visit to a hospital for a bump to the head turned into a big pain in the posterior for a Brooklyn construction worker.

Mom's Rolling in her Grave

Today, I like the Kennedys. Why today, you ask?

The Hillary Smackdown.

In the past, there was only one thing I liked about the Kennedys:

"Miss Michigan takes top tiara in JAZZED-UP pageant"

CNN on all the hot news stories of the day.

Apparently, pageant organizers asked the audience to replace traditional clapping with this new modern craze crossing the nation:

P.S. Urban Dictionary has some "interesting" descriptions of this activity if anyone's interested in learning something today.

My First Concert

At 13, I went to my first concert. Garden State Arts Center (Exit 116).

Headliner: Tom Jones.

Far more interesting was the opening act:

Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Tom's had a good life. He's been married since 1957 to the most understanding woman in the world. She ain't stupid, but you'd think she could afford a better hairdresser.

Department of Who tF Cares?

Ticker: Cheney's daughter to back Mitt Romney

Coming up next:
Larry Craig's arresting officer endorses Huckabee

On My Speed Dial

or is it "speed-dial?" Anyway, here goes:

1) Peter Dinklage (come on now, you know why)
2) David Letterman
3) Mayor Mike
4) Amy Sedaris
5) Anderson Cooper

And even though Tom Cruise could save me, I don't want that crazy MoFo anywhere near me!

People I Despise

Not the little people, of course. But this one always strikes a chord - not sure why. Saw her on Houston St. today. The hair is a color not found in nature.

Just Sayin'

When my private security comes to "clean up" my apartment, I want them to clean. C-L-E-A-N. Yup, floors, windows, toilet ... and change the sheets while you're at it fellas.

And if I had a masseuse, I'd want them to bring drugs. Cause masseuses that make house calls are slimy and I'd need drugs to let those skanks touch my skin.