"Miss Michigan takes top tiara in JAZZED-UP pageant"

CNN on all the hot news stories of the day.

Apparently, pageant organizers asked the audience to replace traditional clapping with this new modern craze crossing the nation:

P.S. Urban Dictionary has some "interesting" descriptions of this activity if anyone's interested in learning something today.

My First Concert

At 13, I went to my first concert. Garden State Arts Center (Exit 116).

Headliner: Tom Jones.

Far more interesting was the opening act:

Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Tom's had a good life. He's been married since 1957 to the most understanding woman in the world. She ain't stupid, but you'd think she could afford a better hairdresser.

Department of Who tF Cares?

Ticker: Cheney's daughter to back Mitt Romney

Coming up next:
Larry Craig's arresting officer endorses Huckabee

On My Speed Dial

or is it "speed-dial?" Anyway, here goes:

1) Peter Dinklage (come on now, you know why)
2) David Letterman
3) Mayor Mike
4) Amy Sedaris
5) Anderson Cooper

And even though Tom Cruise could save me, I don't want that crazy MoFo anywhere near me!

People I Despise

Not the little people, of course. But this one always strikes a chord - not sure why. Saw her on Houston St. today. The hair is a color not found in nature.

Just Sayin'

When my private security comes to "clean up" my apartment, I want them to clean. C-L-E-A-N. Yup, floors, windows, toilet ... and change the sheets while you're at it fellas.

And if I had a masseuse, I'd want them to bring drugs. Cause masseuses that make house calls are slimy and I'd need drugs to let those skanks touch my skin.