Inside Life With Little People

"I felt it was my job to put on a beautiful dress and to be seen and not heard."

-Nicole Kidman on marriage to Tom Cruise in Glamour magazine

Obama Roasts Rahm Emanuel and His Missing Finger

Benicio, finally!

Take a look at the trailer for Che. We need more Benny. Mas a menudo.

Up! Messed

I Couldn't Resist

Two Trannies Hit Cannes

Captions, Please?

Street Walking

Grandma to grandson: "Here's a kleenex, honey. Use this."

Kid, admiring huge booger on his finger: "Nope. I got it already."

Crack is Whack

Yup, I admit I read the NY Post. But only online. And, only Page Six. Really, truly.

Take a look at today's gem from a "report" on the AMFAR auction at Cannes, hosted by Sharon Stone:

"Stone hopped on Sean Combs' lap in attempt to 'coax him into bidding on a Julian Schnabel portrait,' reports our source. But when the mogul stopped bidding at 300,000 euros, Stone joked, 'Come on, you spend more on crack.' Said our source, 'I thought people were going to pass out.'"

Sharon = my new BF.

George and the Boys, Again

George and some friends in Puerto Vallarta.

Thanks, TMZ.

Oprah's Good Nose Job

The Big O employs Dr. Subtle.

Pre NJ:




Ops, 2008:

Campbell Brown's Bad Nose Job

Lordy, somebody snipped the end of my nose off!

Pre NJ:



Lately:


How does she breathe out of those teeny tiny nostrils?

Never Say Never

Who woulda thunk I'd ever post a video from American Idol. But for those who haven't seen Gladys Knight and these Pips, check it out.



The smile on Jack's face is priceless.

Words You Don't Ever Want Coming Out of Your Mouth

"He's eating my brain!"

Yummy. Grizzly bear attack.

This is the very first thing that popped up on CNN when I hooked up my new 37" HDTV. Really.

Words Can Not Express

Tim Makes Polygamy Style Work

"I love uniforms. I find them democratizing."

Awaiting Celebrity Circus

This is going to be the best TV show ever!

It's My Burfday

Sharing the day w/Mr. Orange

Apparently Joaquin Phoenix is creating an album with Tim Burgess of the English band The Charlatans, reports Billboard.

“Once [Joaquin] learnt guitar [for the Johnny Cash film Walk The Line,] he found that he had quite a lot of demons inside himself that he wanted to expel through music,” says Burgess.

"Expel?" Sounds absolutely lyrical. This ought to make Scarlett Johansson sound like Kiri Te Kanawa.

Popelicious, Popestock, Pope Diddy

Completely obsessed.

The shoes








The peacoat










The white microphone










Obviously borrowed from Babs

Hot Side Dish

Who's the hottie constantly at the Pope's side?

Dream Team: Amy and Dolly

I'm months late on this one, but I had to get Amy on this blog

Is "Butchiest" a Word?

I Loves Me Some John Oliver

Just Sayin'

Horrifying headlines are growing in number:

Girl's twin found inside her stomach
Two-faced baby worshipped
Beheaded man begged for help before death

If you're lucky, there might be the added bonus of the camera icon following the headline like this:

3-year-old shoots herself in head

Who clicks on these videos?

World's Smallest Girl

At just 1 foot, 11 inches tall, Jyoti Amge is 15 years old, yet she is dwarfed by babies (picture on left) and WAY dwarfed by her classmates (on right).


She has recently recorded an album with her favourite Indian pop star, Mika Singh.

And words fail me now.

Reasons to Love the French

Only weather has previously succeeded in snuffing out the Olympic flame, just twice in its history. Today French officials managed it three times.

The Olympic flame has travelled on the Concorde, a Native American canoe and a camel. Before Sydney 2000, divers even swam past the Great Barrier Reef with a scientifically advanced waterproof version. Keeping the torch lit on its travels is the responsibility of “flame attendants” who accompany the fire 24 hours a day.

Now the Olympic Torch is apparently using public transportation to avoid the massive protests against China's human rights record. French officials extinguished it for "technical reasons," and according to CNN, "The torch was snuffed out, put on a bus and fired up again several times to dodge protesters."

The French probably used the unscheduled respite to have a smoke and a coffee.

Words Can Not Describe

Fan blog extraordinaire: All Things Anderson

Just Sayin'

In an article in the NYT, it's reported that bloggers are dying at their keyboards because of the stress of keeping up with their blogs.

"Two weeks ago in North Lauderdale, Fla., funeral services were held for Russell Shaw, a prolific blogger on technology subjects who died at 60 of a heart attack. In December, another tech blogger, Marc Orchant, died at 50 of a massive coronary. A third, Om Malik, 41, survived a heart attack in December.

Other bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet."

Pussies!

Ze Punishment for Ze Nazi Sex Scandal

Max Mosley, president of the body that governs Formula One racing, is under increasing pressure to resign following revelations of a sex scandal involving prostitutes, sadomasochism and alleged Nazi-style role-play.

Placed in chains, Mosley leans over a torture bench and whimpers as a dominatrix strikes him with a rod, saying "You're going to be shown how we treat prisoners in our facility." Later, when Mosley takes hold of a whip, he says that a blonde inmate "needs more of ze punishment."

According to the article in Time, Mosley admits to participating in the orgy, but denies that his fantasy had any Nazi or concentration-camp connotation. He spoke German, he said, simply because it was the native language of the women involved in the erotic rendezvous.

Caption This Quiet Moment with W and Vlad

Who's Your Daddy?

Today a student at NC State brought the Monica Lewinski scandal up to Chelsea, saying the scandal was the public's business since the incident occurred when her father was President of the United States.

Chelsea disagreed. "It's none of your business," she said, according to CNN. "That is something that is personal to my family. I'm sure there are things that are personal to your family that you don't think are anyone else's business either."

Besides, my mother would never be involved in a sex scandal. She hasn't had sex in 30 years, the former first daughter added.

Satan Returns to Daytime TV

Borat Coming As Bruno

Yes, Borat is my favorite movie and now SBC is filming his Bruno movie:



The subtitle: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable In The Presence Of A Gay Foreigner In A Mesh T-Shirt

What About Splinters?

An Ohio man is charged with four counts of public indecency after he admitted to having sex with his patio picnic table. Authorities in Huron County, Ohio say the 40-year-old confessed to repeatedly having sex with the table between January and March of this year.

Police in Bellevue, Ohio were tipped off, after someone anonymously taped one of the incidents then gave the recording to police. According to police, Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table both inside and outside his home.

Billy Crudup, Sman

I looked down at Billy Crudup in the lobby of the Public Theater on Saturday night. He's a Sman, as in Small Man.

And you know how I love the little people.

Deja Vu All Over Again

2008:

Really, I can't win?

1975 - 2008:

My husband cheats?

Who's got the balls to tell her to get out?

Subway Protocol Regarding Men in Black Ski Masks?

The man sitting across from me on the #1 train this morning had on a black ski mask. It covered his entire face except for his eyes. He had on a very big, puffy down jacket, and was carrying a backpack.

Did I mention that he was holding some sort of electrical device in his hand?

My mind wandered:

What exactly is the protocol when you're sitting across from a terrorist on the #1 train?

I considered my choices:

A) Stand up and scream: "Terrorist!"

B) Unassumedly get up and sneak to the other end of the car.

C) Hop off the train at the next stop.

D) Point him out to other subway riders and enlist their help to tackle him and get him arrested.

Then I kept reading AM New York.

From Fierce to Bland

Is this what Amy has to look forward to?

Grammy Thoughts

Tina, why?

You're the best. (Well, OK, there's Aretha, but she can't dance.)
Let us remember you at your best, not attempting to jump around on the stage with that be-wigged Beyonce whose thighs could stop a speeding tractor trailer.

And GF, it must be said: Buy some Dim'rs. No one needs to see 69-year-old nipples. No. one.

Good Times and Bad

When the NYT started publishing articles about Britney Spears on its front page back in 2004, I lost all respect for The Old Gray Lady. But considering Britney's recent troubles, I'll admit maybe they were prescient. I still read it, mainly for the Arts section, because seriously, what other options are there?

Today's 'Arts, Briefly' section:

A bathing suit that Nicole Kidman left ("abandoned"!!) at a swimming pool in Sweden is being used to raise money to buy cows for poor families in India.

Norman Mailer Shot the Wad

"Norman Mailer left the majority of his estimated $2.5 million estate to a private trust set up to take care of his widow and children."

Only $2.5 million?

Maybe it was the 9 kids.

Or six wives.

The Only Reason to Watch Football

Who's the Old Dude With the Ascot in the Half-time Show?

You know at least half of America asked, "Who the hell is that old dude in the Cuban heels and polka dot ascot lip synching the half-time show?"

Does anyone under 30 know who Tom Petty is? Isn't he like 100?

Today in Street Walking

Jessica Simpson passed me on Washington Street around noon today on her way to a Fashion Week event. At least I think it was Jessica, but her mouth was shut. If she had been about a foot taller, I would have guessed she was a trannie hooker.
UPDATE: All right, fine. She wasn't in NYC this weekend. It was too tall to be an Olsen, too attractive to be Chloe Sevigny, and too young and short to be Gwyneth. Must have been a trannie hooker after all.

Two blocks away, a bloated-looking Oliver Stone strolled along with another man.

The PETA people were outside the Donna Karan event holding "Bunny Butcher" signs. Has Barbra Streisand's best friend gone down market? You'd think Ms. K would butcher more expensive animals than bunnies.

Happy Ending for Sarkozy

French President Nicolas Sarkozy married former model Carla Bruni today, embracing the latest craze among world leaders:


Thinking with your dick.


Hmm . . . Hillary?

-isms in the NYT

Today boys and girls, we're going to learn about racism AND sexism:

Alessandra Stanley in today's NY Times:
". . . Mr. Obama in a shiny lavender tie, and Mrs. Clinton in an adobe brown pantsuit with turquoise jewelry."

Tomorrow's paper: "A suit-wearing Barney Fife escorts Thelma Lou, pretty in a pink ruffled pantsuit and matching rose quartz earrings, to the church pot luck."

Baldwinapalooza

Last night, dueling Baldwins took to the airwaves in overlapping time slots:

Stephen, born-again Baldwin, on Celebrity Apprentice

v.

Daniel, douchebag Baldwin, on Celebrity Rehab

How proud is big brother Alec?

Daily Rehab

Who can keep up?

Eva Mendes, Cirque Lodge, substance abuse

Justin Chambers, UCLA Psych Ward, "sleep disorder"

Just Because

My Mama Has Mo' Sweatshirts Than Your Mama

Lynne Spears models the latest in Louisiana fashion

Saggily Susan

Two words:

Foundation. Garments.

Bye Bye Eye Candy

"PILF" woulda caught on.

Jon Voight, Political Strategist

Jon Voight, the latest in irrelevant celebrities accompanying a presidential candidate on the campaign trail, had this to say about Rudy's failed strategy:

"There will be time to assess that after today. Maybe it should be assessed."

Coming up: Chuck Norris on a free market economy.

Just Sayin'

Liev Schreiber's self confidence might be a little low right now. Not much fun being in second place after a dead guy.

Celebrity Statistics

Reading that Art Garfunkel has read 1,023 books since 1968 in a recent New Yorker article made me think about other impressive celebrity stats.

This is the only one that came to mind:

Wilt Chamberlain's conquests: 20,000

Old Men, Blonde Hair

If You're from NJ . . .

it's all about bathroom humor. Bound to be a regular feature on JP's Deformities.

Hit on the head and gets rectal exam?
BY JOSE MARTINEZ DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
A visit to a hospital for a bump to the head turned into a big pain in the posterior for a Brooklyn construction worker.

Mom's Rolling in her Grave

Today, I like the Kennedys. Why today, you ask?

The Hillary Smackdown.

In the past, there was only one thing I liked about the Kennedys:

"Miss Michigan takes top tiara in JAZZED-UP pageant"

CNN on all the hot news stories of the day.

Apparently, pageant organizers asked the audience to replace traditional clapping with this new modern craze crossing the nation:

P.S. Urban Dictionary has some "interesting" descriptions of this activity if anyone's interested in learning something today.

My First Concert

At 13, I went to my first concert. Garden State Arts Center (Exit 116).

Headliner: Tom Jones.

Far more interesting was the opening act:

Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Tom's had a good life. He's been married since 1957 to the most understanding woman in the world. She ain't stupid, but you'd think she could afford a better hairdresser.

Department of Who tF Cares?

Ticker: Cheney's daughter to back Mitt Romney

Coming up next:
Larry Craig's arresting officer endorses Huckabee

On My Speed Dial

or is it "speed-dial?" Anyway, here goes:

1) Peter Dinklage (come on now, you know why)
2) David Letterman
3) Mayor Mike
4) Amy Sedaris
5) Anderson Cooper

And even though Tom Cruise could save me, I don't want that crazy MoFo anywhere near me!

People I Despise

Not the little people, of course. But this one always strikes a chord - not sure why. Saw her on Houston St. today. The hair is a color not found in nature.

Just Sayin'

When my private security comes to "clean up" my apartment, I want them to clean. C-L-E-A-N. Yup, floors, windows, toilet ... and change the sheets while you're at it fellas.

And if I had a masseuse, I'd want them to bring drugs. Cause masseuses that make house calls are slimy and I'd need drugs to let those skanks touch my skin.